Scottish Humor & Fun
By Lehua©

Contents
Worrying about Sterling ScotSpeak © (and some BritSpeak)
First Prize (a smile) Funnies from Leòdhas
(The Isle of Lewis)
Conquering the Scots
Ambeetion
Glen Lochart Online
-- a funny site with more than a hint of Lochdubh.  Contributed by Brian Hill of Scotland the Movie fame.
Irn Bru Butt Chicken
Contributed by Donzilla & Loki
 
A Word about Sterling

Question from Lehua:

And while we're on the subject, can anyone help me about money? The last time I was there was a very long time ago, and had a husband, and he took care of everything, so I only have a dim memory of bobs and guineas and crowns and florins and pees and shillings and kroners and ha'pennies and tuppence and farthings and coconut shells.

What will I have to know, to not be totally stupid when buying things that involve change?

And and answer, from my Hamish friend, Eric Cottrell:

It is decimal with 100 pence to a pound. The coinage is 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, and 50 pence plus a thick one pound coin. Sizes of some coins have gotten smaller since I been over in the early 90s. The only difference (to Americans at least) is that there is no quarter. The size of the bills get larger as they go up in value. There are four (I think) designs used on the pound coins representing England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland. The thistle is used on the Scottish design.

Under the old system there was 16 pence to a shilling and 20 shillings to a pound. In the early 90s I saw some two shilling coins around (they are the same size as the 10 pence piece), but are now out-of-circulation.

An interesting point is several Scottish banks have the right to print money so if you are up in Scotland you will see these notes. I heard that some places in England will not accept them. Back in the early 90s at least there were still Scottish One Pound Notes.


And more on the subject, from my Hamish friend, Kirsty Holmes:

And now a larger £2 coin, distinctive since is is gold and silver in colour. ... when I was wee there were 12 pennies to the shilling.

...[Not around anymore], you will be glad to know, are the terms half crown, tanner, ten bob note, oncer, thrupenny bit, silver thrupenny, ha'penny, farthing, groat, guinea, or (outside London) monkey.

A five pound note is a fiver. A ten pound note is a tenner. We're still sufficiently in awe of twenty pound notes to call them a twenty.

On Scottish One Pound Notes:
Only one bank still prints these, ahem, my employers, the Royal Bank of Scotland. Oh, one other thing, we have different colours for all the notes - 1 green, 5 blue, 10 brown, 20 purple and 100 red. Not having seen a 50 for an awfully long time, I can't remember. The size goes up a little as the value does too. Dutch money is much more fun, it has great big sunflowers on it.

Here are some links I use for currency conversion:

And you might also enjoy these converters:

Top


First Prize

Contributed by Dick Lodge, back in May of '96:

And, of course, there was the evening that Jock was out drinking and looked a wee bit too deeply into the glass.  On the way home, he staggered off the road and collapsed under a tree in a deep sleep.

Early the next morning, while he was still snoring away, two girls on their way to school happened by. They had always wondered what the answer was to the proverbial question about what a Scot wears under his kilt and decided to find out.  They looked and were duly impressed.

Feeling like a bit of a joke, one of the girls removed her blue hair ribbon and tied it around the object of their scrutiny, and then they went on to school.

An hour or so later, Jock awoke and felt a call of nature. He staggered into the woods and lifted his kilt. He looked down in surprise and said,

 
Funnies from Leòdhas
  • There was a man on the Island of Lewis who loved his wife so much, he almost told her.
     
  • On the Island of Lewis, an extrovert is someone who looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

(From Nancy of Vancouver (who loves the Rockies, too, but might trade them for the Cuillin)
And now here's one from a man of Lewis:

[And then there's] the old batchelor who had his rocking chair rebalanced to lean forward all the time, so he could appear to be more interested in his neighbour's conversation.


        -- [Thank you, Donnie!]

 
Conquering the Scots

Edward Longshanks -- contributed by Kirsty Holmes in Scotland

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him.

As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

"Hammer o' the Scots?" yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English baastard, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!"

Edward turns to his commander. "Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, there's a good chap!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English bampots!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye a'!!!"

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred man over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. "Ya English SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!"

Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, gore and Irn-Bru. "Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!", he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.

Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!


Irn Bru Butt Chicken

Contributed by Donzilla & Loki , 9/02:

Whoops, almost forgot, you have to make Irn Bru Butt Chicken, it's fun:

  1. Buy a can of Irn-Bru and one whole roaster chicken.
  2. Open the can of Irn-Bru and wrap foil around the outside.
  3. Clean out the insides of the chicken and shove it on top of the open can of Irn-Bru. Season the outside of the chicken to taste.
  4. Roast vertically for a couple of hours. The Irn-Bru will steam up and seep through the chicken, giving it that distinctive bubble gum essence.

Actually I did this with a can of beer and couldn't taste the beer at all; but the chicken was good! -- Donzilla

Ambeetion
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

Found on the 'net by John McGaw


Crossword
I was recently in my local pub in Scotland, and it was pretty quiet. There were several people sitting at the bar with me, and the bar-lady was reading a paper.

She looked at me, puzzled, and said "John, you do crosswords, don't you?"

"Yes," I replied, truthfully.

"I've got one here - 'Stranded, as on a desert island', 10 letters, and the first is 'M'. Any ideas?"

"Marooned," I said.

The other customers shouted out their orders: "A whusky," "a pint o' heavy", etc, etc.

Delighted at this display of humour, I refused to pay for a drop.

Contributed by Mike Brooker in New Zealand



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