6/6/95
Pride Goeth Before a Fall

6/6/95:

Loved ones:

Well, pride goeth before a fall. I got unpleasant news yesterday. The results were all in yesterday to complete the profile of this thing, and where we had thought that it was a polite, well-behaved agent caught fairly early, it's actually an agressive and invasive agent that was caught immediately. It is in the worst of 3 worst-ness groupings. The bottom line is, they WILL put me through chemotherapy. I was exTREMEly upset. I know exactly what I wanted and expected to hear -- "Yeah, we've sliced & diced you, stuck needles in you, ruined your sleep, put you through pain, but... YOU'RE ALL DONE NOW!" I want to stress, my outlook is still very good, due to the indicators that we got it all, the best we can tell, but I REALLY didn't want to do chemo. From early morning till late at night, I saw more doctors than we have teammates on Risk, more X-rays, more blood work. This is because, in order to kill the evil bad cells, chemo must also kill some of one's stomach lining, kidney, etc., and most important, blood creation, so it's important for them to know if I'm healthy enough to suffer the loss of immunity that's going to result from this.

During a gap in all the uproar, I thought, maybe I should have a drink. But that seemed a very penny-ante, inadequate response. So I thought, okay, BIG GUNS.... my long-time solution for the worst possible events: a chocolate milkshake made with REAL ICE CREAM! But even that seemed inadequate somehow. Then it hit me... yes... the ULTIMATE irresponsible, irrational, self-indulgent, pointless outburst of excess.... I BOUGHT REMNANTS! AND MORE PATTERNS! (Allright, Doug, you can stop laughing now). Actually, it felt pretty good. Much later, it dawned on me that this might even be an indicator of a positive attitude since this implies I expect to be around 20 years from now -- at least, that's the CURRent shelf-life of my remnants at this point :)

So now I'm trying to look on the positive side. Many years ago, Anita Benson acquainted me with one of the world's greatest poems, "When I grow old I shall wear purple." It's about developing the guts and self-confidence and freedom, via age, to be yourself and do the things you REALly want to do. I've always loathed my hair, with an intensity that would shock you. So I'm gonna go out and get me the biggest-butt Reba-McIntire long red wig you ever saw, and have BIG HAIR for the first time in my life -- and resurrect my stiletto heels while I'm at it! That will be my version of wearing purple. There's a lot of longterm things that don't seem like such issues any more.

Does that sound angry? I 'fess up to that. I am so angry I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking maybe that's not a bad thing. I was thinking last night about some stuff Iacocca said about anger, that really struck me and stayed with me. We think of anger in terms of its sick side, and worry about it, and rightfully so, but Iacocca pointed out that there are options; you can USE anger. Anger can be channelled into creativity, drive, courage, focus, achievement. And best of all, you can end up having a whale of a good time with all that. Which is not to say I'm certain I have what it takes to use it this way, but I intend to find out.

And now for the good news -- the Many-Doctors-Entity says I can come back to you on Friday. Lots of caveats, due to the chemo, but I'm bored and lonely without all of you, and I think the closer I can be to the normality of daily life (that's sad, isn't it -- we regard the abnormalities of our bank as "normal" haha) the better I'll feel, and the sooner I'll reestablish some sort of a grip. And I sincerely have missed you, I'd probably have wigged without the joy of E-mail.

The doctors have written a detailed description of all the special privileges I need to have, and all the wonderful things you have to bring me and do for me, but if you all take care of that, I should be allright. If the handwriting looks suspiciously like mine, don't pay any attention to that, he was really busy, so I did dictation for him. He especially stressed breakfast croissants, and afternoon cookies, and I know you'll all be conscientious about meeting his requirements, the cookies are really a life-or-death issue.

Heartfelt hugs from your disappointed & grumpy buddy,

Pencil graphic from Hee Yun's Graphic Collection